From the Desk of the . . .

IMAGO Wizard

by Waverly Farrell, LMFT

Dear Imago Wizard,

My partner is BUSY all the time. He is constantly working and says that he has to do so in order to be successful. I think he’s already successful. He has a management position with a local credit union and is doing well climbing the ladder. With every step upwards, he sees only that there is more to do. How do I connect with him when he is sooo preoccupied with professional success?

Dear Partner of BUSY all the time,

Many couples in today’s world struggle with your dilemma. Our culture is one that says if you’re not making progress, something is wrong with you! And, one way we define progress is by stepping up the career ladder even if it requires that we turn our lives over to the “corporation”. As a partner of someone who is suffering with that affliction, you must be very frustrated. However, the more you complain and criticize, the greater the wedge you will drive between you.

One way to deal with a partner who “works all the time” is to be less available. I imagine that you are applying pressure on your loved one to be with you and it may appear to him that you are “putting all your eggs in his basket”! So, hang out with friends, visit your family, get involved in something that interests you. When you release the pressure you’re putting on him, it’s very likely that he will realize that he misses you. Then, he’s likely to complain that you’re not available to him what with all the new activities you’re putting into your life!

Dear Imago Wizard,

I had a dream the other night about looting my partner’s bank accounts and secret cash spots. In the dream, in reckless consumption, I spent all of my partner’s money. I felt so awful when I awoke because she does provide a larger portion of the money in our relationship. I’m working my way toward increasing my contribution, but I am still in grad school and my expenses often outweigh my income. I am really “creeped out”. What does the dream symbolize and what can I do about it?

Dear Dreamer,

Dreams are symbolic metaphors for aspects of your life. I’m guessing that your dream is a response to a reality that seems out of control to you. Finances are a difficult subject for all couples, and in particular, for those who might have a financial imbalance. Like sex, financial issues can create deep resentments which don’t go away quickly if they are harbored. Most likely, it isn’t your partner’s money you want to steal, it’s your own anxiety that you wish to lighten. Metaphorically, stealing the money makes it go away which means that you don’t have to deal with the issue any more. It’s gone!!

However, you know that is wishful thinking. Whenever there is an imbalance in a relationship over something as important as money, it’s absolutely necessary that it is addressed openly and honestly. In Imago, we teach couples to mirror each other when there are sensitive topics to be addressed. That allows each person to say what she feels and requires that the other really listen and contain her reaction. In this way, each person has the potential to respond to the other from a place of potential understanding. Ask your partner to sit down with you to dialogue about your fears and if that doesn’t work, you might want to seek professional help before money becomes a wedge that splits your partnership apart.

Dear Imago Wizard,

I am single and struggling with a weight problem. I have a best friend (at least I think she is my best friend) who lately has been calling me “Chubster”. I don’t know where she came up with the idea, but she thinks it is funny. I am so self conscious about my weight and it feels like she is making fun of me when she calls me by that name. I know she isn’t intending to hurt my feelings. She even says it’s a loving nickname, but I hate it. I want her to stop because it’s driving me crazy and making me want to eat more to really become a “Chubster” so then she’ll have something to talk about. HELP! This is an important relationship to me.

Dear Hating to be called “Chubster,”

I’ve heard of many nicknames ending in “ster”. I think it is a fad to call someone Vickster, Mikester, etc. However, I’ve never heard of “Chubster”. It completely makes sense you are insulted and hurt. Even though your friend says she is just calling you “Chubster” in fun, she should be aware that it might be hurting your feelings. I’m wondering if there is something that she is holding against you, maybe even unconsciously, so she is getting even by calling you a name that on the surface seems funny but is very wounding.

It’s time to have a heart to heart with this friend. If she is truly your best friend, she will hear how painful it feels to you when she calls you “Chubster” in jest. Perhaps then, you can clear the air between you as most likely there is some other lingering issue that hasn’t been addressed. Often, we use what we think is funny to cover up hurt feelings that we feel inadequate to express otherwise. You can’t let it go on! Good luck.

Dear Imago Wizard,

I’ve started seeing someone again after finally putting a close to a very bad chapter in my relationship book. It seems that even though we have a connection intimately and he is very into me, there is too much emphasis on sex. When I am with someone I want the sex to be meaningful and have feeling. I don’t want it to be sex for sex sake.   When I am single and just looking for meaningless sex that is fine, but when I am in “dating mode” how can I explain to the person that I am with that it’s about more than just sex for me, and I’m not just playing goodie two shoes, I’m simply not ready to give it up?

Dear Not Playing “Goodie Two Shoes”,

Sex for sex sake or sex for an intimate connection. It looks like you think you can separate the two and so perhaps what’s happening with you is that you are projecting onto your partner what’s really happening with you. Since you haven’t checked out your assumption about your partner’s emphasis on sex, we don’t really know how he is seeing it. What we do know is that when you’re single, you can have meaningless sex, but when you’re coupled, you want sex to be an intimate connection. I wonder how you can objectify the person you are with when you are single and then switch into subjectifying your partner when you are coupled. You might want to think about that split in you.

As for working through your issue about intimate sex with the person you are currently seeing, I suggest you talk with him. When you bring up the subject, tell him about you. You might say that you’re noticing that it’s hard for you to make the distinction between having sex for sex sake and turning the experience into an intimate connecting one. Then you can ask him what it’s like for him. Good luck.

Dear Imago Wizard,

When my girlfriend and I first got together, we made goals right away. We wanted to have a committed relationship with children. We had both left relationships where our partners had not wanted the same things we did and we didn’t want that to happen again. We have been together now for three years, and every time I bring up the subject of getting pregnant, she seems distracted. I’m turning 35 this summer and I’m getting nervous that if we don’t begin invitro fertilization now, we may never get pregnant. We have known women who have tried many times and have not been successful. Also, I’m thinking of the health risks to the child because of my age and the challenges of having a toddler around as I get older. Considering how blunt we were at the beginning, is it unreasonable for me to tell my partner that if we don’t have kids in the near future, then I don’t want to.

Dear Goal Setter,

The decision to have children is a result of many conversations. When a couple is first together, they make many promises out of the illusions of the romantic stage, that when seen practically, might not be realistic. I’m not suggesting that your having a baby might not be realistic, but there is something your partner is hesitating about because she is waffling now.

Has it occurred to you that she might be frightened about the high cost of the procedure and the commitment it would take? Maybe she has concerns about your relationship and is reluctant to bring a child into it. Or, perhaps her goals have changed or evolved and she is hesitant to share them with you. There are many possibilities for her distraction.

Putting a timeline on your decision to have children is a reasonable thing to do, but you both need to talk. You need to sit her down without any outside distractions and tell her honestly that you need her help to sort out the most important decision you will make as a couple. The decision you will make about bringing children into your relationship deserves many serious conversations and you need to initiate them now.

Dear Imago Wizard,

A few months ago, my rather modest partner and I went on vacation to a tropical island. I begged and pleaded with her to go topless on the beach. Many other women were topless so I thought it might be fun and exciting. After a few umbrella drinks, she agreed to do so, sure that she did not know anyone at the resort. Last week, a friend of mine showed me a picture that was posted on the Internet of both of us topless. I contacted the site and they removed the picture but I am freaking out. I know if I tell my partner, she will be ready to kill me. Yet, if she finds out from someone else, that could even be worse. What should I do?

Dear Topless in a moment of Fun,

What a price to pay for a little bit of risk and adventure. In many cultures in the world, topless sunbathing is very acceptable. In the US we are more prudish about such things, but when going on vacation to an island resort where boundaries are flexible, it is understandable you wanted to join in. The reason I’m approaching it this way is that it seems you made the request of your partner from that innocent place of high spiritedness.

But, now do you do? The internet has so changed the idea of privacy in our world that we are not yet used to its intrusion into our lives. If you have done whatever you can to get the photo off the internet, then let the matter lie. Your punishment for this moment of fun will be living with the fear that the photo may resurface and your girlfriend will find out. However, this needs to be a vital lesson for you, that when you pressure your girlfriend to do something she may not be comfortable with, camera phones, videos and the internet might be around to make the moment public.

Dear Imago Wizard,

I just got out of a five year relationship that went back and forth and back and forth. We broke up so many times, I lost count. It’s not officially over. But, I want to meet someone new so I can finally let go. When is it appropriate timing to get back into the dating scene?

Dear Back and Forth,

You may say you “got out of a five year relationship”, but you still sound wedded to me. If you were really “out of the relationship”, you would have moved on. It looks like you have it backwards. You don’t begin dating to get over a relationship that you are still holding onto; you let go of the relationship and then you begin to date. That is the appropriate timing. Holding onto a relationship that went back and forth for five years keeps you emotionally attached and robs you of the emotional energy you need to bond with someone new. As long as you remain connected to your “five year relationship”, you will be connected to an illusion that you have someone when no one else is available.

It might be a good idea to get some support to replace the dependence you have on the relationship you are trying to leave. Perhaps a group will help you get back into practice relationally. Groups will challenge you when you behave in ways that are not in your best interest and hopefully, nudge you into taking better care of yourself. When you’re tempted to call your old lover, think about the story the Buddhist monk told his client. There was a man who day after day walked down the street and fell into a hole. One day, after the man got up from his fall, he had the realization that, in the future, he could walk around the hole. He tried that for awhile, but he still had to pass the hole every day and he was afraid if the light wasn’t good or he got distracted, he might fall in again. One day, as he was walking, a great insight came to him. He realized that he could take an entirely different route. Perhaps it’s time for you to take a different route. Otherwise, you could be writing me the same question some five or ten years down the road.

Dear Imago Wizard,

My ex-lover is saying some really mean and nasty things to me. I think it’s just him trying to express his anger in order to get over me but nonetheless, these nasty things have really made me think. Should I take his comments and reflect on them or should I just ignore them?

Dear Ex-Lover,

There are many red lights flashing for me when I read your question. First, I wonder why you are still talking with your ex-lover in a way that is inviting remarks about your character. If he is really your ex-lover, that’s what he should be, your ex. You need to recognize that what is going on is not healthy for you. Allowing him to continue to assault your character keeps you caught in a situation that will affect your self confidence. So, your first step should be to discontinue contact with him so that you can begin to heal.

By the way you ask the question, I assume that you are the one who initiated the break-up. You do have some insight when you wonder whether some of the things he is saying when he is trashing you, might be something to reflect on.
When you get some distance from the relationship, it could be very helpful to reflect on the things he said. Until then, you won’t be able to see his trashing from a perspective that will provide you insight because right now, you are a victim of his projections. When someone is projecting, they are putting out onto someone else qualities or parts of themselves that they cannot accept. It is not un-natural for someone who is in pain to project hateful qualities onto the person who they perceive is causing the pain. Projections can always be teachers because no one projects onto a blank screen. There is always some truth in a projection. However, in order for you to learn more about what belongs to you and what belongs to him, you will need a great deal of distance. How about testing your own willingness to create space from him by telling him that you really do need to move on with your life, and that means, without him. Good luck!

Dear Imago Wizard,

Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed I just want to stay in bed all day and tune out the world. At times, I really feel like giving up. How do I keep the smile on my face and find the courage to carry on? Or, should I just give up?

Dear Overwhelmed,

You are experiencing symptoms of severe depression. Depression has several origins. Your biology could be one source of depression. Other sources might be the current circumstances of your life including the loss of someone or something important or the retrieval of early traumatic memories.

Most of us go through very low periods when things in our lives are not going well or when we have crises that seem impossible to manage. Instead of reaching out to friends or family for help, we often isolate because we feel such shame about not being able to cope with our life circumstances. It makes sense that being discouraged by depressive feelings might make us fearful to reach out for help. It almost seems counterintuitive. But, it is the wrong thing to remain detached and seeking help is the only way through.

Sometimes, when we get dispirited and low, we become very self-absorbed and think we are the only ones in the world who are experiencing the pain we feel. We have a tendency to cut ourselves off from the rest of humanity and lose our ability to be part of the larger picture of the human experience. When we can begin to see that we are like everyone else, it helps to ease the pain because we are sharing it. Asking for help when we are down is really offering a gift to those who love us because they have an opportunity to access their compassion and love and be with us even when we’re not all put together.

So, please call someone who feels safe to you and ask for help. Let your friends or family hold your self worth for you right now when you are not able to do it. You might also want to seek professional assistance because you may need therapy and/or an antidepressant drug to help you stabilize. If you risk believing that you are worth helping, one day in the future, you might look back on this time in your life as one that was ripe for growth and healing.

Dear Imago Wizard,

I find that I am attracted to older women. They are more settled, mature, have greater self esteem and are generally, more financially secure. That’s how I see myself, as well. When I go out with younger women, they seem so immature, I can’t wait to go home. Recently, I asked out an older woman and she told me that she was flattered that I was interested in her but that I was way too young and a relationship between us was impossible. She wouldn’t even consider going out with me again. She just shut me out. I don’t understand why these women won’t take a chance with me.

Dear Shut Out,

Does your interest in older women stem from your having labeled younger women “immature” or is it real? We all go through a developmental process that would suggest that someone of a similar age might be one condition for fulfillment in a long term relationship. The older woman might fear that as she ages and becomes less attractive to you, you might be distracted by someone more your age. If you can’t understand why that could be one very honest explanation (and only one) about why she might be hesitant, I wonder if you really are mature and settled yourself. You might do some self reflection about your role in relationship in general. Everyone has something that is appealing to them. Age is only one factor. Go out with someone more your age and try to find those qualities that you hold most dear in her.

Dear Imago Wizard,

A couple my partner and I have known and loved for many years is breaking up. One partner has been cheating on the other for several months, and when his lover found out, all hell broke loose. We love them both, but our friend who was betrayed thinks we are awful because we want to continue our friendship with his x-partner. However, we have cultivated a fun and engaging relationship with him and feel like we’re in a tug of war. What shall we do?

Dear “In a Tug of War,”

Break ups are hard not only on the partners in the relationship, but also on families and friends, especially if you have become friends with both people. You can often feel like you are in a “tug of war” particularly when a relationship ends with an affair. It is so easy to make the partner who has cheated the bad guy.

There is one important thing to remember about anything that occurs between partners in a relationship. The outcome is always a result of a dynamic in the relationship. An affair is an exit. An exit is something we use in relationship when we can’t or won’t verbalize what we are feeling. Exits begin to deplete the life force and the safety. The reason such a catastrophic exit is able to happen is because something wasn’t being taken care of in the relationship by both parties. And, finally, one person acted out.

So, if you value each person, let them know that you will remain in contact with each of them. Tell them that you are doing so because you care about each of them and want to support to each of them. This may be extremely hard and may lead to an eventual dropping away of one of the partners. But, if you both are careful not to bash either person and just offer your ear and your love, you are doing your best. If they don’t respond to that, then perhaps the friendship isn’t meant to continue.

Dear Imago Wizard,

I have a wonderful bright 10 year old daughter who lives with me every other week. I have just begun a relationship that looks like it has a lot of potential. However, the man I’m seeing says he would never live with a person who has a child. I’m looking forward to a time when we might move in together,but there is no way I would change the custody arrangement with my ex wife. I’m scared that I will have to choose between my daughter and my new beau.

Dear Dad,

I’m glad you regard me as such a great and powerful Oz. I’ll weight in and hopefully be of some help. First, I want to acknowledge you for being dedicated to taking good care of your daughter. Secondly, I’m getting from your question that the relationship between you and this exciting prospect is still relatively new. I’m wondering if your boyfriend has met your daughter yet. If not, you might want to give it a bit more time.

Here’s something for you to think about. At the beginning of a love relationship, we often say many things that have the weight of hot air. We make statements that sound very absolute and non-negotiable. An example is something like, “I’m not ready for a long term relationship. I just want to have fun”, and six months later, you notice that the couple is together in a committed relationship. So, instead of thinking that your partner will never change his position, look at his statement as a “red flag”. When I use “red flag”, I mean that it is something that will probably come up as an issue later on in the relationship with the possibility for growth on each of your parts if you are willing to face it. You might also think about what is behind your new boyfriend’s statement about never moving in with someone who has a child living with him. He might be insecure about his ability to deal with children. If that is so, you are providing him an opportunity to grow as you negotiate your way through this issue at such time that it is appropriate. And, isn’t that exactly what relationships are designed to do; grow us up emotionally. What gift you offer to each other.

Dear Imago Wizard,

I am in a long term relationship and my partner has always made more money than I. For the most part, she has been fine with it. Lately, I’ve noticed that she makes little snide remarks when we are talking about finances like, “Well, I bet you’re glad you’ve got me because you have a lot more things than you would if I wasn’t around.” I’m sensing a resentment on her part and don’t know what to do about it. I’m worried.

Dear Worried,

Obviously, you have been living with this situation for many years. I’m wondering if it has been festering for some time now. Often, in relationship, when something doesn’t hit us in the head, we choose to ignore it. That is called “denial”. It looks like there is some denial on both your parts.

Financial equality is never guaranteed in any relationship. In fact, equality in all things is a myth. Each partner brings their unique perspective and skills to different areas of the relationship, such as sex, family, finances, household chores, social life and work. In order for these apparent inequalities to be seen as strengths that can create the beautifull tapestry of an integrated partnership, it is important for them to be identified and talked about honestly. So, if you’re noticing an attitude in your partner about her bringing in more money than you do, you need to gently approach her and talk about what you’re noticing. Perhaps you need to visit a financial planner or even get some professional help in talking more honestly about the inequities between you that could lead to resentment if they are not addressed. Good Luck!

Dear Imago Wizard,

My partner and I have been together for ten years and we still have huge disputes. Everything seems to be going along well and suddenly, something will happen that makes her furious. Then, we get tangled up in arguments that go nowhere. We usually re-connect after some time but I’m getting exhausted by the emotional energy I expend in these disagreements.
Please help!

Dear Still Arguing,

It is exhausting to have explosive conflicts in relationships. Usually that means that you and your partner are having trouble working out your different approaches to life. The American Indians have a wonderful saying about conflict that goes like this. “Conflict is nothing more than patterns of energy seeking harmonious balance”. In other words, conflict provides us an opportunity to grow into mature adults as we discover ways to manage our reactions to each other’s differences.

Don’t make your conflicts abnormal. They occur in all relationships. Spontaneous arguments are “monological”, meaning that they are about one person spouting off and the other not listening as they prepare their defense.   Relationships need to be “dialogical” where both partners listen to each other and respond in a respectful way. In Imago Relationship, we call this dialogue process, the “Intentional Dialogue”. It includes mirroring each other, validating the other’s experience and empathically connecting around each other’s pain. You might want to attend the Getting the Love Weekend workshop for couples to learn more about how you can diffuse your conflicts and negotiate ways to embrace each other’s differences. In the meantime, get the book “Getting the Love You Want” by Dr. Harville Hendrix and learn more.

If you struggle with relationship issues, let us know by contacting us at Relationship Solutions. We offer coaching, workshops, counseling and support to increase your relationship success. In the meantime, we wish you all the best in your efforts to connect with others.

A Season for Nonviolence

by Tinker Donnelly

    This year, January 30 through April 4, we celebrate the fifth anniversary of the Season of Nonviolence, a 64 day observance honoring the work of Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. as proponents of nonviolent means toward positive social change. It seems good timing for the consideration of peaceful alternatives when our world is focused on war between nations and the consequences of meeting conflict with violence and opposition. It is a timely reminder too for those of us who are practicing ways of communicating love and compassion in the context of our intimate relationships as means to resolve our personal conflicts.

    I think of “integrity” as the resulting alignment of what we think, say and do – that mentally, verbally and physically we represent a congruent harmony of consciousness in action. To lend real integrity to a practice of nonviolence then is to apply it even to the subtlest aspects of our thoughts and attitudes – to take responsibility for our feeling tone and the emotional posture we assume in relationship to others and ourselves. This includes our inner dialogue or “self-talk” which frequently is fraught with criticism and judgment. Reverend Roger Tell, a Science of Mind minister in Colorado, addresses this point through a bit of humor with the question, “Are you safe to walk the streets of your own mind?”

    How we convey our thoughts and feelings is a special focus of Imago Therapy. The Couples Dialogue provides a format for partners to express themselves openly and constructively, to address issues of conflict in healthy, loving and fair ways. Intentional dialogue offers the opportunity to deepen intimacy and strengthen the alliance between individuals that may feel separated by their unique points of view. Nonviolent communication replaces adversarial argument with language of the heart, and extends empathy as a healing balm upon the childhood wounds we often revisit in the context of our closest relationships.

    One of the ways I’m supporting myself in keeping peace at the forefront of my attention is by practicing the “64 Ways in 64 Days” http://www.agnt.org/snv64ways.htm, a list of affirmations for each day of the Season for Nonviolence, and by lighting a candle as a daily reminder. I also use an acronym that my partner has coined, S.D.B.K.”, which stand for “Slow Down, Be Kind”. I invite you to create your own program for peace and nonviolence and join me in making this a season that lasts all year round.

    “The nonviolent approach does not immediately change the heart of the oppressor. It first does something to the hearts and souls of those committed to it. It gives them new self-respect; it calls up resources of strength and courage they did not know they had.” -- Dr. Martine Luther King Jr.

    Namaste, Tinker

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Enlightened Relationships

By Waverly Farrell, LMFT, CIRT

    All love relationships consist of the polarities of the positive and negative. The positive contains within itself the as yet unmanifested negative and vice versa.

    The longing for wholeness-the return to oneness-manifests as the attraction between opposites. It is an irresistible urge for union with the opposite energy polarity. The root of this desire is the longing for an end to duality.

    If, in relationship, we experience both love and the opposite of love, then it is likely that we are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack her the next. Love has no opposite.

    The romantic phase of a relationship becomes addictive. Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through our own pain. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for us anymore and then we feel the pain even more intensely than ever.

    How do we get from that addictive romantic stage to an enlightened relationship? Being present is one way of transforming relationships. For love to be present, the light of our presence needs to be strong enough so that we no longer get taken over by the mind or our reaction to pain, sometimes called the pain body. When we break our identification with the mind, we become the silent observer. When we sever our identification with our pain, we bring presence into the pain and transmute it.

    Primary relationships reflect the deep state of crisis in which humanity now finds itself. Never before have relationships been as conflict ridden as they are now. The crisis of relationship comes from partners identifying with the mind or the pain body. There is opportunity concealed within this crisis. What to do is to accept the truth and cooperate with it instead denying it. With acknowledgement and acceptance, the truth comes to the surface and with it, a degree of freedom. One truth that we must all buy into is that relationships are not here to make us happy or fulfilled. Relationships are here to make us conscious. By aligning ourselves with this truth, our relationships will truly offer us salvation.

    Often in relationship, one partner is over identified with the pain body and the other with the mind. These roles have been identified in Imago as Maximizer and Minimizer. These opposite roles often create an impasse or core experience which is the opportunity to move toward enlightenment

    What is the PAIN BODY? The pain body is the accumulated residue of emotional pain suffered over the years. It has a collective as well as personal aspect. The collective one is the pain accumulated in the collective human psyche over thousands of years through disease, war, cruelty, madness and so on. Anyone with a strong pain body but not enough consciousness to disidentify from it will continuously or periodically re-experience and relive their emotional pain. Trapped in the nightmare of our pain body is sometimes strong enough motivation to awaken.

    What about the MIND? The mind is meant to be a tool but much of our thinking is repetitive, negative, compulsive and harmful. When we are identified with our minds, we derive our sense of self from the content and activity of our minds. Enlightenment means rising above thought. Our culture so reinforces categorization, analysis and cognition that we are encouraged to overdo it. For those locked in the mind, the present moment doesn’t exist. The mind keeps us focused on the past or the future. It is only through quieting the mind and disengaging from it that we find the present moment.

    Our relationships exist as a container of pure energy. Our work is to honor that energy and fill the space in between us with compassion, support and love. Using the Imago processes, especially the Behavior Change Request dialogue, will begin to help us move in the direction of the awareness we need to remain present with what is. It is this mutual willingness to navigate the journey through conflict and pain together without leaving the moment, either through over identification with the MIND or the PAIN BODY, that will transform us. A permanent energy field of pure and high frequency will arise in the space in between us that allows only love in. The energy created by each partner sanctifying the space in between will become a vortex of consciousness that will draw others in.

Newsletter Quotes

Loving is a journey with water and with stars,
With smothered air and abrupt storms of flour:
Loving is a clash of lightning bolts,
And two bodies defeated by a single drop of honey.

– Pablo Neruda - Sonnet XII

All the greatest and most important problems of life are fundamentally Insoluble…They can never be solved, but only outgrown. This “outgrowing” proves on further investigation to require a new level of consciousness. Some higher or wider interest appeared on the horizon and through this broadening of outlook the insoluble problem lost its urgency. It was not solved logically in its own terms but faded when confronted with a new and stronger life urge.

– Carol Jung

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Love the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, love along some distant day into the answer.

– Rilke

Love is a Physical Workout

By Waverly Farrell, LMFT, CIRT

    In A General Theory of Love by Drs. Lewis, Amini and Lannon, we learn that love, though not easy to define, has an architecture in the brain that can be detected and explored. Love and all of our emotional experience originates in the dynamic neural systems “humming with physiologic machinations as specific and patterned as they intricate.”

    These authors/scientists ventured into love’s domain in the human brain and have discovered the inside story. As in the Imago theory, they identify the three aspects of the brain and trace the evolution of our emotional experience back into ancient history. The book is a fascinating if challenging read.

    What struck me most about their work was their insight into the couples relationship. They say that love is really very simple. It lives on time, the intricacies of years together becoming attuned to each other’s emotional rhythms. One of the most painful life experiences is that of being unable to love. Yet we rush into and out of primary relationships as though it were a trip to the supermarket on a busy Saturday of errands. Sometimes we cannot love because we don’t spend enough time to allow it.

    Our culture is one that fawns over the fleetingness of being in love as it discounts the importance of loving. In love merely brings us together. True relatedness has it chance only with the waning of that enthralling beginning period. Loving demands knowing the other, and that comes from the intimate prolonged observation of the other that years together provides. There is mutuality in real love where each takes care of the other and each thrives.

    For those who stay on the journey, the benefits of the attachment that comes from time and effort are powerful. True lovers are resilient to the stresses of the external world and bound together by an emotional maturity that is balanced and full of an aliveness not otherwise known.

    We owe it to ourselves to take the chance on true love’s ways. Because our culture does not encourage this commitment to honest loving, we must be pioneers in our journey toward healthy loving relationships. Our lives and the lives of those we love depend upon it.

Let Us

by Jeanine D'Elia

Let us reach with the hands
of love and dialogue
Where past woundedness
becomes a present healing.
A prayer perhaps
sent forth in all earnestness.
Let us reach with our hearts whose
boldness is to mirror,
to listen to validate,
in all empathy.
Let us not lose ourselves
in each other.
But rather, find ourselves
in connection
whose bond is as strong
as it is freeing.
Let us play and weep
and seek and dance
embracing the fullness
of this time enjoyed.
For all matters of union
begin a single "Yes!"

Love's Terrain

by Tinker Donnelly

    Greetings!

    I’ve fallen in love since my last writing! I’ve fallen in love with the great Sufi mystic and poet, Hafiz, who wrote this in 14th century Persia :

    “Out of a great need we are all holding hands and climbing. Not loving is a letting go. Listen, the terrain around here is far too dangerous for that.”

    Sufism is an ancient spiritual tradition distinguished by its passionate, often ecstatic devotion to God. Through sacred practices including song, dance, and spiritual poetry, Sufis celebrate their sacred union with “The Beloved." The poetry of Hafiz is particularly cherished as a perfect expression of the human experience of divine love.

    In the poem above, I believe Hafiz is describing the synergy and necessity of relationship in ascending the higher ground of Ultimate Reality. The “terrain” we must negotiate together is our shared world of human experience and our “climb” is to reach higher levels of spiritual awareness. It is the aspiration of consciousness to evolve simultaneously asa individuated and collective, clarifying our soul’s recognition of itself as both unique and universal, human and divine.

    Many of us experience a natural yearning within us for a personal relationship with our Ground of Being, a sense of connection, an experience of oneness. It is the quality of Love itself which
inspires and empowers us in our climb toward it. Love offers safety and sure-footing, direction and guidance as we advance, for we do not progress alone -- we are companioned by one another along the way. Hafiz emphasizes our need for “holding hands” in support and cooperation as we go. In this way our discovery of The Divine grows through our immediate relationships with one another -- as intimacy deepens between us, it deepens within us toward a realization of ultimate union and wholeness.

    Imago relationship therapy honors our individual need for independence while appreciating our concurrent and collective need for interdependence. The goal of Imago is to heal the perceived wounds of individual childhoods to the end of universal healing for humankind. Through counseling and workshops, Imago provides practical tools for expanding personal insights and enhancing their communication in the context of relational dynamics. It is a holistic approach to global integrity and well-being applied to the unique needs of individuals and couples, with the intention to actualize our inherent potential for peace and joy.

    In this Relationship Solutions update you find scheduled workshops and events designed to support the construction of conscious relationships.

    Through education, inspiration, and practice, we are all deepening our capacity to love. These programs are opportunities for "holding hands and climbing"... not "letting go", but empowering love, through a shared vision of life's potential for good and our appreciation of ourselves and each other as sacred and precious.

Namaste'

Tinker